I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize