So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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