Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
