My hand turned me down
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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