My liver just broke up with me...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
