I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
