i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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