I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
