his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
