What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
