Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dick has a subreddit
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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