I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
