I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize