how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
