i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
