I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
