Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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