He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
