Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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