I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
