dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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