You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
