If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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