I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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