is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
