is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two words: blizzard sex
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize