I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
