Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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