Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
