I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
