kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
