FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
