i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
