what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
