a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
