Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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