i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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