farters have to be the big spoon...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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