Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
third nipple confirmed
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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