believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
