I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
