do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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