Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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