I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
