All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
