just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize