just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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