Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize