Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
