So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
