I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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