Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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