Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
