I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
