My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
