pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
