I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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