I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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