Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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