Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
