you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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