Sry I called you an 8
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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