my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Panties = found
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
